So some of you may have seen on Facebook or actually talked to me but Kevin and I tried 3 times this past year to get pregnant. We did 2 round of regular IVF and 1 with a donor egg and still no baby. It is so expensive and so hard emotionally, physically I can handle. We have 1 frozen embryo left, from our eggs. But it would cost another 3000 bucks plus drugs to try it. Only 50% of embryos survive thawing and you don't know that until day of the transfer and then it is only MAYBE 20% chance of getting pregnant if it survives the thaw, if it is as high as 20%, PROBABLY LOWER. I may have to face the fact that it is just not meant to be. I don't want to, I want another child so badly. I know so many people who are way too young, or don't have the money to take care of a child who have them. People who have beautiful babies they ignore. It all makes me so angry!! I am trying hard not to be a downer, why can't I have one, why does she have a baby, those things go through my mind daily. I am trying to not feel that way but I do! Believe me I know how blessed I am to have Ryan, he was a 1 in a million chance, an actual miracle and I could not love him more. But that is part of the problem, he loves younger kids so much and is so good with them. He would be an awesome big brother and he really wants to be. I hate disappointing him.
The big kicker is we had to go through all this stuff because of Kevin's chemo. He had a sperm count of 6 when we had Ryan. They used an experimental process to give us my precious baby. Well we tried again when Ryan was 3, no go. A few years later I was having crazy periods and went on birth control to control it. WELL...this time we decide to try again before I turn 40, we start with all the tests again just to see where we are, well Kevin had a normal sperm count. we were STUNNED! We thought finally, we can do this an easier way and much less expensive, we thought we were looking at artificial insemination. Well nothing is easy for us. I now have block tubes. What are the chances?? Maybe is I hadn't been on the pill we would have had another baby. The what ifs go on forever! But it is what it is!
Wow is this a TMI post. But I wanted to let you know ladies know what was going on. I have asked for prayers but now I don't even know what to ask for. Luck in trying again? Money to even give it a try? Peace to accept that it just isn't going to happen?? I don't know?
I am very fortunate to have the wonderful family and happy life that I do. I know this and most days it is enough. I just needed to vent!
6 comments:
I am so sorry you've had such a rough time. Believe me, i know how much it sucks. I got to the point where i couldn't stand to be around babies, or even see one, because it hurt so bad. But, it does get better, eventually.
I do hope you are able to have another. And if not, i hope God helps you get to the place where you can accept it.
Oh Cheryl, I am praying for you guys!! It is so hard to say "I accept whatever plan for us is, God." I struggle with it in so many areas of my life.
You and Kevin are one of the most amazing couples I know. You have so much love to share. I will keep praying.
Love you!
I knew some of this but I had no idea that Kevin had a normal sperm count.....the emotional ups and downs that u guys have gone thru must be torture. If any couple deserves to have another child, it's the two of you. You are wonderful parents with sooo much to offer! I will keep u all in my prayers and you can vent anytime you want.....this is why we are blogging again. So we can release our struggles and be supportive to each other. Love you!
I can only imagine your heartache and frustration. I will pray for you and Kevin. My friend had to go thru IVF to have her first baby. She had stage 4 endometriosis and a lot of scar tissue built up from having multiple surgeries.
I'm so sorry for all of this! I had no idea you were going through this. It has to be extremely hard on everyone. I hope you find peace in whatever happens next.
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