Monday, August 6, 2007
Pregnancy
I am going to say this one more time so maybe, just maybe my sister will hear it. I am not trying to get pregnant. I would love to have another baby, in fact it would make my life perfect. I mean that the only thing I want for in life is to have another baby, everything else I want I have. I really do have a wonderful life and I need to remember that when I want a baby so badly. It is not fair to put my family and son through that again when we have no success. I mean if I went through the whole process and had a chance to get pregnant that would be one thing. But last time we spent about $12, 000 to have not 1 egg fertilize. I mean we went through it all and didn't even have a chance. Not to mention I can' t have my allergy medicine which makes me miserable and it is very hard on Ryan. I have to get 100s of shots that make me sore, I am tired, that with no allergy medicine does NOT make me a good mom. Not to mention what my poor husband has to go through, with my mood swings and fear of needles. It can't be easy to stab a person you love when you know they are terrified and sometimes crying. We have to be home and prepared to get the shots at the right time everyday for a couple of weeks, that can put a damper on all plans we make. Plus the worst part last time was when Ryan got mad at God. We had to explain to him that there were needles in the house and of course he wanted to know why, so we very simply explained to him that Mommy needed help from doctors to get a baby in her belly and that I had to get shots. He of course wanted to know when the baby was coming, we explained that the doctors help us but I might not get to have a baby, it was up to God. Now we did this of course thinking and praying it would all work out, never imagining it wouldn't work and when we told him there was going to be no baby he would then be made at God. He said for almost 2 years after we tried, (in everyday conversation), if God ever let's me have a baby I hope it's a boy or things to that effect. He now doesn't want a sibling, he told us he'd rather have another dog. ( This conversation came about after he and Grammy wished on a star and she wished I'd have another baby.) So all those things considered I would be very selfish to try again for something I want but really have little chance of ever having. I hate that every time I change something in my life people think I am trying to get pregnant. I hurt my back and can't lift anything and they all look at me funny, hoping that they may get another grandchild or a niece. I don't drink caffeine and again everyone assumes and worse than that hopes again. I hate the fact that I have to get the hopes up of my family and then disappoint them, ( you can't imagine the pressure),so if I was to try again I wouldn't tell anyone but I wouldn't lie if asked. I just love all the reminders that I can't have another baby,it's just great. Having to assure people all the time or having people tell me all the time, oh you should have another one, things like that are not easy. I want a baby so badly it actually hurts sometimes, but I am not trying again. Also I am in a wedding in September and have a Disney trip right after that. I can't travel pregnant, I'm not allowed and I wouldn't fit in a dress I already have if I got pregnant, so there are 2 more reasons to believe I am not trying to get pregnant. Quite frankly I am NOT use to not getting what I want, I know that sounds bad but it is true, eventually I get what I want so this is very hard for me and very humbling. SO there it is for the whole world to see, well blogger world anyway.
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13 comments:
Cheryl, I am sorry for all you have been through. I think that with all you have been through you have an amazing attitude. I am thankful that you have a beautiful healthy son and a wonderful caring husband! God has reasons for everything, it would be nice to know what they are, but we have to put all faith and trust into knowing that He does what is best for us.
I hope I didn't just ramble and that you got something from that!!!
Cheryl,
No one can imagine what you feel each day unless they are in the same situation!
As you know, my sister, Cheriann, has never been able to have bio.
children. Only you who experience it, know the pain we cause by the
hurtful things we say.
Forgive us for not being more sensitive to the people we love.
Aunt Joy
I am so sorry for the hurtful words people say to you. Even though its unintentional YOU have to live with it, and of course you don't want to be rude either! Amanda is right, you have to put your faith in God. He's got a plan and a reason for it all.
Oh Cher, I am sorry too for everything you have gone thru!!! And if I have ever said anything hurtful, I sooo apologize!!! Ryan is such a blessing and I know you are truly grateful for him!! You are a wonderful mother and I am soo happy that the Lord blessed you with him! Love you!
One more reason not to joke with cheryl! I did think you were trying but then I was joking when I said I didn't believe you.
If anyone knows that pain it is me. I, unlike you couldn't have the FIRST baby and didn't have the money to get help. Thankfully it came.
No one was trying to hurt you and if anything, you might feel good that people wanted another baby to love and spoil.
I am sorry you can't have another one and if I could do anything to help, i would. I would carry the baby if that helped or donate my eggs if that helped. i would do any of it without anyone else knowing. I already know that you wouldn't do that because you told me. But I would try if you wanted.
I can see being mad at me and throwing me under the bus (you are so good at it) but mom and julia and whomever else you were speaking about..is not fair. You know they are just saying it without thinking it would hurt. Call and tell them, you don't have to post it for everyone to feel mad at them.
I'm not mad at anyone and they know it. Everyone says things like you should have another one and things like that to everyone, it doesn't make me mad. I told you a # of times I wasn't trying but for the last few days every comment you left had something in it about me trying.
actually that is not true. Whenever I have ever asked you, you said that you didn't know...you never said for sure that you weren't going to eventually. I wanted you to have another one so i asked you. That is it. The "i don't believe you was a joke. I knew at that point you weren't trying.
I know what you mean, but not with getting pregnant but with other things. It's like the people mean well but to you it's just a reminder and it's them beating you over the head with it.
I'm glad you have Ryan and I'm very glad that you get to spend SO much time with him! You really enjoy your son and that is wonderful! Just reading what you went thru I don't blame you for not trying again. It took courage and strength to endure it the first time!!!
That was sweet Aunt Joy!!! I didn't know you read our blogs! Do you read mine????
Thanks guys. I wasn't complaining I was just stating the facts of fertility, well mine. I would have ton it 1000 times to get Ryan. Thank you all for your kind words.
i am so sorry for all that you've been through. although i haven't had quite the same experience, believe me, i can commiserate. it sucks when people ask questions or jump to conclusions. even when they don't mean to be hurtful, sometimes it can be.
Infertility stinks, there is no way around it. I think secondary infertility stinks even more because you know your body can do it and it just seems to be betraying you. Praying that you will find peace in whatever God has chosen for you. We all are guilty of saying things we shouldn't. We have no idea what the other person has been through or is going through. Just because we have been through infertility does not mean that we know how you feel. We can have a glimpse, but we are not you.
Amanda sent me to read this and now I am a bit misty too. Boy, do I remember needles and getting the big box of meds to try it again. I was lucky, om the second try we got Steven and Jakob...but paying those bills after the failed attempt was so hard! Having one puts a whole different spin on another try when that $$ could pay for college or so many other things, but that doesn't make you wanting another one any simpler.
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